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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28882323">Like A Sleepover</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/missystrange/pseuds/missystrange'>missystrange</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Apex Legends (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:02:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,418</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28882323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/missystrange/pseuds/missystrange</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Legends are all stuck in a room together and decide to pass the time discussing their sex lives. It was either that or make fun of Mirage's dating profile some more.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Like A Sleepover</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The door to Mirage's bar creeped open, and a bright pink envelope was hurled inside, where it bounced painfully off the bridge of Lifeline's nose.</p><p> </p><p>"<em> Ow </em>." Lifeline rubbed her face while the door slammed shut.</p><p> </p><p>"What's it say, doc?" asked Mirage innocently. "Good news, bad news, weird news?"</p><p> </p><p>She opened the letter and quickly scanned it's contents. "Depends. Where does 'a break-up letter for you' fall on that scale?"</p><p> </p><p>"The bad si- wait, break-up? That'd be Charlotte. Either or. Take your pick."</p><p> </p><p>So, here's the thing. While on the way back from their latest map rotation, the dropship developed what could only be described as a 'leak', if 'leak' is how we described a pipe bursting and soaking the entire ship in blue goo. The mess would have been bad enough, but as Horizon explained, the Inertial Dampener Suspension had a potential side effect of turning non-treated materials into what they called "living bombs". It turned it from a problem that means you have to redo your make-up into the kind of problem that ruins entire days. And weeks. And some times, you know, city blocks.</p><p> </p><p>Solace City was not exactly pleased to hear this.</p><p> </p><p>The dropship? Immediately scrapped. Not worth it to try and fix. The Respawn Beacons and emergency medical supplies were likewise scrapped. But the Legends and their equipment were harder to replace, so every bit of the Legend's kit, along with blood samples for the organics and metal shavings for the synthetics, were taken to make sure nobody was going to explode. There was only a four percent chance that any material exposed could become a bomb, and that was enough of a chance to guarantee a series of long, arduous tests. And in the meantime, Solace City didn't exactly want a gaggle of walking bombs walking around. The only thing that saved them from holing up in a random shack outside of World's Edge was Mirage's offer to keep everyone inside his bar or the patio right behind it, as long as the city helped compensate for the loss of business. Which they agreed to, grudgingly, or at least as grudgingly as people get when forced to help their favorite sports stars.</p><p> </p><p>Which is why every Legend is currently stuffed into Mirage's bar, wearing clothes scavenged out of the lost and found bin, and <em> bored out of their minds. </em></p><p> </p><p>Lifeline strode over the empty sleeping bags set up on the floor and handed Mirage the letter over the bar, which he hastily snatched away. She was wearing a set of navy overalls about two sizes too big for her, held in place with a magnitude of precise pins. She had liked the idea of only having to risk <em> one </em>piece of mystery clothing instead of two, but in practice, it mainly meant she had to adjust herself to keep decent every four steps. </p><p> </p><p>"Blah blah blah, love you, <em> but </em>," Mirage muttered to himself as he read, leaning against the bar as his holograms pretended to clean the bar around him. They were dressed far nicer than him, still in his classic look, instead of clad in an apron and cargo pants. Also a bowtie. He thought it pulled it together. "Blah blah it's not you, blah blah different things in the relationship, blah blah failed to ever give me an orgasm-"</p><p> </p><p>Whatever else Mirage was gonna say was cut off by the various reaction sounds from the Legends, the loudest of which was a sputtering laugh from Rampart.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You can't just-" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, it's-"</p><p> </p><p>"No! No, you can't just <em> say </em> that!" Rampart sat up in her booth, spilling her work tablet to the floor. She was the only one dressed in her own clothes, a set of oil stained exercise clothes she kept for work. "Save some revelations for your <em> bleedin' </em> home journal! What's next, 'hey, team, I stuck my dick in a Mozambique once'?"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage stood up straighter, picking up a dirty glass in an attempt to clean with dignity. "What do you want from me? I'm a fighter, not a lover! I mean. I love too. But not the- um. Squishy stuff? No. The moist stuff. Look, don't make me explain, the kid's here."</p><p> </p><p>He gestured with his chin to a booth on the opposite side of the room from Rampart, where Wattson was curled in a booth of her own. She had managed to scrounge up a tank top and shorts, but felt exposed, and trussed herself in her own sleeping bag. She tossed her book to the side and fixed Mirage with a stare. </p><p> </p><p>"A <em> kid? </em> " Wattson bristled. "I promise you, I am 22. I- No matter what the tabloids seem to think, I know what sex is! I am not <em> an infant." </em></p><p> </p><p>Lifeline shrugged, scooping up her iced tea. "You heard the kid. Let's talk about ya' dick."</p><p> </p><p>"OKAY," Mirage slapped the dishrag against the counter. "Fine, we're talking about my sex life! I'm- I am sure that's what everyone wants to be talking about right now!"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm really not sure we do," Rampart scooped up her fallen tablet.</p><p> </p><p>From her seat at the bar, Wraith put down her cocktail with a soft clink. "From what I recall, you weren't that bad."</p><p> </p><p>Rampart dropped her tablet again.</p><p> </p><p>"<em> You two? </em>" Wattson let out a soft gasp. "Are you a couple?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh god, no." Wraith snorted. While she found a skirt no problem, she was stuck wearing a bright yellow 'SUNS OUT, GUNS OUT' t-shirt. "We just hooked up. He's fine with instructions. Good with his hands."</p><p> </p><p>"Ah hah!" Mirage pointed his finger at Rampart like an investigator solving a case. "<em> Thank you, </em>Wraith!"</p><p> </p><p>"Him, Blasey?" Rampart couldn't help but shake her head. "If you told me you were <em> that </em> hard up, <em> I'dda </em> given you a fuckin' roll!"</p><p> </p><p>"It wasn't planned," Wraith explained, explaining nothing.</p><p> </p><p>"I was <em> trying </em>to hook her up with someone else," Mirage said, pouring himself a drink at last. "And I was ambigus- ambiggaus? Vague! Bad with words."</p><p> </p><p>"Apparently you're bad at more than that!"</p><p> </p><p>"I will leave your deathbox in a creek, Rampart, I swear to god."</p><p> </p><p>At that, from her spot at the front of the room, Bangalore let out a snort. "Don't let her bother you, I have it on good authority that she hasn't been on a date that didn't involve two batteries and a rod of silicon in two years."</p><p> </p><p>Mirage finally got to repay Rampart's laughter with a guffaw of his own, while the lady in question whipped a pepper shaker at Bangalore, bouncing harmlessly off her chair. Bangalore was the only lady of the group lucky enough to find a sports bra in her size, along with a pair of sweats, and was leaning her chair against the wall and nursing a beer. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's hear <em> your </em> bloody date list, then," muttered Rampart, and in response, Bangalore tipped her chair back to all fours with a clack.</p><p> </p><p>"Is that what we're doing then?" Bangalore smiled. "Pulling some locker room trash, first week of boot camp bullshit?" Wattson sat up straighter, as Bangalore took another swig of her beer. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I fuck. Hell, there are people in this <em> room </em> I've fucked." Bangalore stopped with a grin, as everyone currently paying attention fell silent to see if the aforementioned people would speak up. </p><p> </p><p>Lifeline cocked her ear to the side to see if she could still hear Octane gaming in the other room, before turning to Bangalore. "You doin' dating sites like this clown then?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hah! No, not really. It's less dating, and more like a vetting process to see if they'll waste my time. There's a difference between a night out and a good fuck, or some whining call about <em> feelings </em>ten minutes before I roll out, you know? How about you, doc?"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage frowned. "I really don't feel like we've addressed the whole 'calling me clown' thing."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh god no," Lifeline shook her head, ignoring Mirage. "Just feel too busy. Hate to get all lovey only to have to dump them over the next map rotation or game change, you know?"</p><p> </p><p>"I genuinely do not," Bangalore said honestly.</p><p> </p><p>Gibraltar's sudden laugh shook the room. "<em> Haw haw! </em> What a <em> heartbreaker </em>we've got here!"</p><p> </p><p>Bangalore smirked, and gestured with a wide swing of her beer. "And then we've got THIS guy."</p><p> </p><p>He was seated in the corner, working on his own game of Solitaire. He couldn't find anything in the lost and found bin in his size, and instead had said 'just a minute, brothas' before disappearing in the bathroom with a stack of scraps and a needle. Eschewing a shirt, he instead cobbled together a flowing skirt made of several shirts. Nobody wanted to ask how he did it, in fear of revealing their own lack of sewing abilities.</p><p> </p><p>Wattson sat forward, pulling the sleeping bag off her shoulder as her commitment to the conversation began to outway her embarrassment. "Gibraltar? I- I'm sorry, you date too?"</p><p> </p><p>"Haw! Oh, lord no." Gibraltar shook his head, smiling, as Bangalore snorted and jabbed a thumb in his general direction.</p><p> </p><p>"This guy falls in love at the drop of a <em> hat." </em></p><p> </p><p>"Oh, now you've done it, you spoiled my mystique!" He cried in mock horror. </p><p> </p><p>Lifeline laughed. "You had <em> mystique? </em> Since <em> when?" </em></p><p> </p><p>Bangalore shook her head, tossing her empty beer in the bin as she did. "This guy- Mirage, get me another beer- this guy had <em> two dates </em> with an accountant. Two lunches with the kind of guy who owns <em> multiple </em>tie clips. Blondie, guess how long he kept in contact?"</p><p> </p><p>Wattson frowned. "Two months?"</p><p> </p><p>"Two years." Wraith said into her drink.</p><p> </p><p>From somewhere under the bar's dishwasher, a chipper robot voice piped in. "Infinite time! All of time in every timeline!"</p><p> </p><p>"The <em> robot's </em> the closest!" Bangalore threw her arms up in mocking disgust. "He's <em> still </em>in contact!"</p><p> </p><p>Gibraltar smiled as he placed another card in his game. "Sylvester is a <em> very </em>good accountant, I'll have ya' know."</p><p> </p><p>"And Roger? Whateley? Pitt?" Bangalore listed. "Got a good reason for still mooning over them?"</p><p> </p><p>"I figured the idea was to love 'em and leave 'em?" observed Lifeline.</p><p> </p><p>Rampart chortled. "He's pulling off <em> half </em>of that, at least."</p><p> </p><p>Gibraltar burst out laughing, shaking his head. "Alright, brothas, somebody else's turn. Crypto, you're up."</p><p> </p><p>The reclusive hacker looked up in a shock. Seated next to Gibraltar on the floor so he could reach a charging cord, Crypto couldn't be more of a contrast to him, wearing a set of tight slacks and a pilfered trenchcoat that he looked like he was swimming in.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah. No, I'm good." Crypto barely looked up from his tablet. "I'm not as much into the 'high school sleep-over' vibe as the rest of you."</p><p> </p><p>Mirage was leaning over, trying to help Pathfinder in whatever he was doing, but he still found time to say, "See, Wattson, you're not alone! The paranoid nut hasn't had sex either!"</p><p> </p><p>"Crypto is not a nut-" she began, at the exact same moment Crypto defended himself with a curt "<em> Of course </em>I've had sex, old man."</p><p> </p><p>Crypto and Wattson fell silent.</p><p> </p><p>He realized what he cut off just a moment too soon, and opened his mouth to apologize, but was himself cut off with a shocked and thickly french accented, "<em> Am I the only Legend who's never had sex?!" </em></p><p> </p><p>A smattering of assurances rose from the attentive Legends. </p><p> </p><p>"Brotha, it's not that important-"</p><p> </p><p>"Natalie, I'm sorry I spoke over-"</p><p> </p><p>"Seriously, kid, we'll take you out for a night on the-"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know why but I blame Rampart for this-"</p><p> </p><p>"Mirage, I will kick your-"</p><p> </p><p>"You will, trust me-"</p><p> </p><p>"ENOUGH!" Wattson snapped, pulling her sleeping bag off of her. "I appreciate your- assurances! But if I am the only Legend- my <em> only </em>peer group- that is not sexually active, then I think being upset at myself is very valid!"</p><p> </p><p>The room fell quiet for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>Pathfinder burst out from under the dishwasher, coated in grease. "Hi! I've had sex too, friends!"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "What?!" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Mirage and his various holograms started to try and shove Pathfinder below the counter. "We- we- oh my <em> god </em>, we have got to work on your sense of timing, guy."</p><p> </p><p>Lifeline reached for a bottle of something stronger behind the bar to add to her iced tea. "Wait, now I'm curious, how <em> does </em> a MRVN have sex?"</p><p> </p><p>Like a puppet show, Pathfinder's hand shot above the bar. "Thank you for asking! It involves a self lubricating unit! I attached it to my-"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage tried to put his whole weight into pressing the hand down. "No! Bad timing! No sexplanations!"</p><p> </p><p>Pathfinder's other hand shot up. "She asked!"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage caught it. "She was wrong!"</p><p> </p><p>Now, a foot. "I was hired for it!"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage began to brace himself against the wall to manage the limbs. "Nobody needs to know about your weird robot dick!"</p><p> </p><p>The final foot popped up to poke Mirage on the shoulder. "You already saw it!"</p><p> </p><p>"<em> That sounds so bad-" </em></p><p> </p><p>With a yelp, Mirage slipped on the flailing bot, shaking the bar with a thump. Up to and including the part Loba was using to do her makeup. The shaking tipped her mirror with a clatter, and Loba let out an amused sigh. "I was <em> vaguely </em>hoping to avoid this conversation entirely."</p><p> </p><p>She was dressed in a shirt long enough to count as a dress, which she had shaped into something even vaguely flattering with a cinching belt. Unfortunately, the shirt was advertising a hot dog eating competition, so any flattering was negated, but the attempt was made.</p><p> </p><p>"Too late, thief." Wraith grinned in a way she was really hoping was charming. "Any advice for our young up and comer here?"</p><p> </p><p>Wattson couldn't help but sigh. "So, far, all I've gained from this conversation is to not be too attached, enjoy sex, and avoid bringing up self lubrication."</p><p> </p><p>"Honestly, not bad advice," Crypto muttered.</p><p> </p><p>Loba smiled, but didn't look up as she tried to fix her make-up station. "Sorry, beautiful. Not too much as far as workable advice goes. Just be perfect and don't let them forget it."</p><p> </p><p>Bangalore frowned. "Seriously? You're sex on heels. No practical advice for the kid? I figured you'd be swimming in it."</p><p> </p><p>A low synthetic chuckle came from the darkest corner of the bar. "Ha! Yeah, okay, let's do this."</p><p> </p><p>The thin, spidery simulcrum Revenant unfurled himself from behind a booth, and began to walk to the group with a veritable bounce to his step. "You wanna tell them about all the crazy sex you're having? Wanna tell them how much of a fun person you are?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm going to dance on your grave, you know." Loba said mildly. "Maybe a jig. I'll take lessons."</p><p> </p><p>Revenant let out a bark of laughter and gestured to the other Legends. "Come on, Loba! We're doing a team-building exercise! Let's make FRIENDS."</p><p> </p><p>In a single fluid motion, he sat down in a perfect criss-cross, looking expectantly up at Wattson.</p><p> </p><p>"... Is it just me, or is having him be friendly even weirder than his horror host thing?" Rampart muttered.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, come on! Wouldn't you prefer a real teammate over a killing machine that just happens to be pointed at other people? I'm being a good pal! A regular guy." Revenant's voice dropped an octave. "Besides, fucking is one of maybe three things I get to <em> enjoy </em>nowadays."</p><p> </p><p>"You're kidding," sighed Lifeline, passing Wraith her bottle of hooch as she did so. Something red and expensive looking. "You enjoy sex?"</p><p> </p><p>"I used to be a person," he said simply. "And it's distracting. Like a puzzle made of meat. Find the right places to put your hands and body, find the right amount of force and pain- a bite here, an <em> insertion </em> there- and you win screams. Great way to get out of my head. Hell, with half the fans we get, I don't even have to play nice. They consider a choking <em> foreplay." </em></p><p> </p><p>"If I find out you're hurting people," Gibraltar began.</p><p> </p><p>"Hiding evidence is boring. You'd know already," Revenant finished before turning to Wattson. "So, sex lesson one! If you want to choke them, compress the <em> sides </em>of the neck to restrict blood flow without actually preventing breathing-"</p><p> </p><p>Loba groaned into her arm. "If I take my turn, will he stop talking?"</p><p> </p><p>Mirage poked his head above the counter. "<em> We can only hope." </em></p><p> </p><p>"Fine! It's been years, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Bangalore let out a slow whistle. "Man, all those gossip pieces are damn wrong, huh."</p><p> </p><p>"They're the worst! They make me feel bad for <em> not </em> fucking! And well, it's been a tad distracting, you know, going on a <em> life-consuming hunt for vengeance." </em></p><p> </p><p>"She's talking about me," Revenant confirmed happily.</p><p> </p><p>Wattson threw her sleeping bag aside angrily. "And meanwhile, all <em> I'm </em> getting is half a dozen articles talking about how I'm the baby infant of the team! The tiny innocent who <em> definitely </em> has never wanted to orgasm! You guys get fans wanting to sleep with you, I get fans who don't think I even know what sex is! <em> Merde! </em> Mirage! Get me something <em> strong </em> ! And sweet. With ice cubes? I wish to <em> chew." </em></p><p> </p><p>Mirage hopped to attention and began to pour, while Wattson gestured around the room. "And I haven't even discussed <em> all </em>of the Legends! Shall we invite Octane and Bloodhound inside and make it a full round table?"</p><p> </p><p>Helpfully, from a distant booth, Horizon chimed in with a chipper "I've shagged Caustic!"</p><p> </p><p>Without looking, Mirage immediately poured himself a full drink and downed it immediately. </p><p> </p><p>"<em> Seriously, </em> Horizon?" Lifeline flinched. " <em> Caustic? </em>I've seen Octane's dick, and even I'm upset here."</p><p> </p><p>Caustic was clad in a full raincoat, and he didn't look up from his book as he sat at the bar and turned a page. "I am as possessed with carnal inclination as anyone."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Blasey," Rampart shuddered. "Shacking up with Mirage? Officially not the worst idea."</p><p> </p><p>"<em> Thank </em>you."</p><p> </p><p>"Seriously wrong," Crypto said, to which Gibraltar only nodded.</p><p> </p><p>"I <em> knoooow," </em> Horizon pouted. She'd ended up walking away from the lost and found bin with a suit jacket and slack, both too tight and too long for her. "He's like a stack of cookies, you know? You know they're going to be awful for you but they're there and tasty as hell. That's Caustic. Cookies with <em> amazing </em>stamina and tongue that can make a lass cum at-"</p><p> </p><p>The room let out a groan of horror, that Horizon could only grin at. </p><p> </p><p>"You too are quite proficient, doctor," Caustic flipped yet another page in his book. "To quote my old colleagues, you have a mouth that could suck chrome off a trailer hitch-"</p><p> </p><p>The groan of horror got louder, even worse since Revenant was joining in.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, shush up, you wee babies," Horizon laughed. "Frankly, he's one of very few of you I could shack up with and not get the tabloids printin' about yer 'mommy fetishes'."</p><p> </p><p>Wattson was looking into the middle distance with a stunned look on her face as Mirage brought her her drink, a Sweetened Paralyzer. She downed it in one long gulp.</p><p> </p><p>"So that's… that's everyone. Everyone is or has fucked. I am the only sexually inactive person here."</p><p> </p><p>"Pretty much," Revenant shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, we haven't asked Octane!" Mirage suggested. "Maybe-"</p><p> </p><p>Lifeline shook her head. At some point between sharing the bottle, Lifeline and Wraith had ended up on the floor. "Nah. Don't ask me how I know, but him too."</p><p> </p><p>"Ah. Well. Shit."</p><p> </p><p>The door to the patio swung open, and from their brief slice of outside came Bloodhound. They were dressed in a stolen hazmat suit, and carrying Artur on their arm from his playtime in the open sky. "Ah, what did we miss?"</p><p> </p><p>Pathfinder popped up from behind the bar. "Hello, friend! Do you fuck?"</p><p> </p><p>"... Clearly, we've missed a lot."</p><p> </p><p>"It's been a time, brotha." Gibraltar admitted.</p><p> </p><p>Horizon said helpfully, "Sucking chrome off a trailer hitch!"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, as much as I'd like to join whatever… scintillating conversation this was, I'm not comfortable to say it without my partner here."</p><p> </p><p>The room turned to them.</p><p> </p><p>"You have a signifa- a sinifigant- a boyfriend or girlfriend?" Mirage asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Technically I believe the closest term is 'spouse'."</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, what?!"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "YOU'RE MARRIED?!" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "That raises SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Wattson threw her sleeping bag across the bar, where it phased harmlessly through a holo Mirage's chest. "I am going out <em> tonight </em> and I am going to get <em> laid!" </em></p><p> </p><p>"Oh, are we allowed to leave now?" Bloodhound asked innocently. </p><p> </p><p>"<em>AHHHGH!" </em></p><p> </p><p>"I have missed so much."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a very silly piece of popcorn I've just written, filled with a whole bunch of completely unsubstantiated headcanons I have about the Legends and their sexuality! I'll defend all of them to my last breath, of course. It was tremendously fun to write and if peeps like it, I'll absolutely add more chapters. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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